My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Apparently I told him the people made me order taco bell I didn't even want it. And then proceeded to turn off all the lights and sit at the kitchen table in the dark and told him not to look at me.
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
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