I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
It's like hey here is one penis enjoy nothing but that for the rest of your life
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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