Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
Steel Reserve is the RC Cola of alcohol. It's never ok.
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Do I not have a Brazilian bc of my boyfriend situation or do I not have a boyfriend bc of my brazilian situation?
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
He shit in the fireplace
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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