you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover
screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
I wish you looked at me the way you looked at my brothers penis
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
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