i now know from two sources i am better at making out and giving head than she is. and not by a little either.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
You told me that you were as fast as lightning and you wanted to race me. Then you faceplanted after falling down the stairs.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
...blackout vacation is awesome. Where did you end up? I think i'm in Miami.
Hospital.
Randomize
