I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
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