bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
This taxi driver is not happy I am in drag
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
Randomize
