the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I just dominated some guy while wearing your moms thong
Did a 4 pm walk of GLORY the next day.
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