why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
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