you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
