I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.
im sure shes a lovely person but i cant be friends with someone that doesnt drink. its just not right.
Maybe we could get a groupon for vasectomy. I'm game.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Currently eating Dominos at the bar high as shit so that's how homework is going
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
