Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
dude i feel like at any given point 3/5 of that family is trying to fuck you
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
