There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
but then the words kidney pain and possible testicle shrinkage kept ringing in my head
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
the manischevitz sangria was a big hit
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Randomize
