if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
You can't just leave with hair like that
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
Today I made my parents proud-spent the afternoon floating around in their pool drinking beer-which I would ask my nephews to get for me out of the fridge
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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