I'm not working tomorrow. need to take advantage of the last opportunity for weeks of morning sex.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
She told me "I think I'm going to puke tonight" a few seconds later she said smiling"I can't wait!"
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
I can feel your judgement through the phone
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Randomize
