I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
I AM VODKA MAN
How are you feeling?
I mean, shattered dignity aside, not bad.
WHY IS THE HAIRSPRAY SOUNDTRACK PLAYING IN THE LIQUOR STORE
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
Randomize
