There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
Maybe your new years resolution should be not to fuck in Sears bathroom anymore.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
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