Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
hahaha Yeah oh well, she wrote on my facebook wall, That's almost like a digital hand job
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
