We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Alive.
So much puke
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
