why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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