Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
I mean, "boo" isn't the appropriate response to someone dying...
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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