you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Beverly Hills, 90210. Cleveland Browns, 0.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I shouldn't have watched rise of the planet of the apes and then gotten high. I'm now convinced that the cats are out to get me.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Literally just stood behind a guy in line at Walmart get his card declined when he attempted to purchase condoms. That's rock bottom.
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