Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
drunk grocery shopping was not as bad of an idea as i thought, this salmon cat food tastes a lot like tuna
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Randomize