U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I think I just made patron unclassy I bought limes at a gas station and for salt we are using gas station packets of salt
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".
Come down. You're the next contestant on this bowl.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
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