I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me
restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch
then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Randomize
