he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Call it slutty but I take pride in being a first round draft pick booty call. And I know I was first cause he texted me at 1030a
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
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