My main thought on the Olympics: I need LESS cowbell.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
long story short, he tried to fuck me standing up, toppled over, and now I have four stitches next to my eye
Randomize
