fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
If me getting shot doesn't get me pussy I am officially gay
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
Randomize
