I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Of course he’s dumb. He’s got a 9 inch dick! There’s not enough blood in his body for a big dick and a big brain. It’s science
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