I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
Randomize
