Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Taking jello shots out of a big bowl from a measuring spoon. holla atcha boy.
Be honest with Daniel. He was a good rebound to you for nine months and he made it so you could be with the one you really love and care for now. Just tell him thanks and best of luck.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Just beat 2 Norwegian women in beer pong. Never been so proud to be an American.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Being an adult is fun. You can experience a break up, then go fuck someone else in the woods.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
