Never let Scott cook bacon and eggs at 2am while drunk. You should have seen the flames.
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
You're in a tuxedo, you can pee wherever you want.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Stoned, and eating Doritos, and reading about lesbians for class. This is the life.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
Boys winking, cowboys tipping their hats, old people looking disappointed.... ah, I had forgotten the unholy powers of exposed cleavage!
You are my hero.
Tonight I totally got eaten out in the old school photo booth in the mall. Will send you pics of the photo reel asap
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
Randomize
