Do you think this abandoned cigarette has herpes? cuz I'm tempted.
Yes but life is bad with poopy sheets
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
he was wearing pj pants, thank you for not letting me go home with him
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Randomize
