So thats when I found out ur supposed to put the penut butter on your balls not your dogs balls, feels alot better
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
We're trying to decide between cracker barrel an the ER
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
After arriving 30 minutes late, he slowly walked to his desk and halfway there he just falls over like a tree and passes out. I now have some sort of proof as to how awesome that night was.
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Is this like a preordered booty call?
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
