I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Randomize
