I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
