You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i am YELPING strip clubs. This is interesting.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
He's stripped out of his boxers and is dancing and slapping his dick with string cheese...I don't know whether to call for help or take a video.
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Randomize
