You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I don't think anything is more terrifying than the thought that you might shit your pants in front of your boss
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
All I can remember from last night was eating nutella and touching myself to Weird Science.
Randomize
