Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
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