One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
period poops. best. ever.
omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i decided if i had to, i could survive with only 3 fingers on each hand.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
Being a slave to ur dick is exhausting.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
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