I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
Tbh I fell asleep cuddling a bag of Brazilian nuts. Franzia never dissappoints me
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
New drinking game get out your high school year book and take a shot for everyone in your class who's had a baby!
Randomize
