Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
Randomize
