I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I'm not drinking with you for AT LEAST a day
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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