She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...
i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
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