How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
There are people taking shots out of a turtle shell.
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I told her I wanted to go swimming and she responded with jello shots, taking off her clothes, and jumping into the pool...I think I'm in love
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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