I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If you get me a sex toy for Christmas everyone in my family will question our relationship.
You told me that you would let her eat cake off of your ass, then fell asleep on the floor
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I hit an all time low we ran out of coke and I met up with my dealer at 8 in the morning for a re-up. great customer service though.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Randomize
