I always feel awkward when im sitting at home watching the price is right and the fat contestant get the gym equipment.
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
Randomize
