if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
his grandma walked in on us. twice. and he was truly fucking surprised when i put my pants back on.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
Randomize