So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
I told him that all frat guys do it... it was that easy to get him to go down on me.
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
I made you bacon and gave you a blow job. I'd say you had a pretty great day.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
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