If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
Randomize
