There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
jake and the teradactyl broke up, operation get high and find him a new girl who hasn't had sexual experiences with three delts simultaniously is in full effect.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
