I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
2012 needs to end already. I've exceeded my quota for People Who Have Accidentally Seen My Tits.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
FUCK WHALES
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Even after hearing me fuck his friend twice in one night, he still follows me around like a puppy.
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