it's not cheating when I paid for it
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
So, I'm drinking, and I put my head down in the table. The cat jumped up to check on me, I have a cat sober monitor.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Randomize
