Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
The date went significantly better after the fifth shot of fireball.
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
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