you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
I'm currently day drinking, studying and making corn. Don't tell me what I can't do.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
HIGH AS FUCK. JUST WATCHED THE TRIPPIEST VIDEO EVER. IM NOT SCARED OF PANDAS. I GOTTA GO. TRIPPIN AGAIN
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
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