you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
