I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
I would just watch. I wouldn't even have a boner cuz I would do so much coke. It would just be funny.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He is peeing inside and sticking up for himself. Those are two of the four signs of the apocalypse.
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
