It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Can you pick up from work today? There's a surprise for you on the bed and I haven't gone blind which is positive.
Do you rver get that feeling like their are poprocks filling ur boday?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
Randomize
