some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I feel like we have both made good decisions regarding our vaginas lately
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
I mean, how am I going to build a relationship on trust if he finds out I roofied him?
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Ok, not to minimize the significance of that beautiful anecdote from your childhood, but here's a video of my penis.
Medicine hack, old crowe and ramen flavor packets isnt a cure for the cold.
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