so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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