I then asked the hardee's employee: mam, do you mind if i pay 75 cents in cash and then put the 1.13 on my debit card.
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
