I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
You know you're getting old when 19 year olds you've met on tinder advise you that you should start looking for a wife and/or the mother of your children
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
I'm sitting on the couch playing the sims, how's ur night going?
I'm sitting on my floor, drinking wine, and listening to bette midlers "wind beneath my wings"
Why are our lives so predictable?
Randomize
