she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
