It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
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