im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
he was inside of, then got up said "we don't want you having a baby," grabbed his car keys and left. so now i'm just sitting on his bed, wondering if he's coming back.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
Randomize
