Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
By the way, you totally deserve "i got a job sex".
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