I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
i don't think i ever formally apologized for that time i threw up on your dog.... well...here it is...
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
I'm dying. The alcohol is viciously exiting my tiny body.
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Business idea: assless chaps for toddlers. I'm high.
When i said you could use my car and have sex in the back....i wasn't being serious.
Randomize
